Professor T. Halberd
3 weeks ago
A Scholarly Warning: The Revenge of the Jersey Devil at Sweetwater Marina
It is not in my habit to meddle in the affairs of amateur entertainment. As a man of letters and sober thought, I prefer the quietude of study to the clamor of the swinish multitude. Surely you remember me, for it is I—Professor T. Halberd of Extempory College, scholar of ancient linguistics and Neo-brutalist woke architecture. Yet, recently, a peculiar matter has come to my attention—so peculiar that I feel compelled, nay obligated, to draft another of my propitious reports, so that you may consider carefully before embarking upon what is presented as harmless amusement. The matter concerns an event scheduled to take place at the Sweetwater Marina and Riverdeck in Galloway, New Jersey, on the evening of October 30th, 2025. From 6:30 to 9:30 PM, there shall be performed a dinner theater show titled Revenge of the Jersey Devil, hosted by the itinerant troupe known as the Riddlesbrood Touring Theater Company. The ticket, modest enough in price at $55 per person, includes not only the performance but also a “signature cocktail,” likely some form of hallucinogen intended to befuddle the clientele. On the surface, one might think this a festive occasion—a diversion of laughter, mystery, and convivial company—you would be mistaken!
With trembling hand, I navigated their infernal webpage—an abyss of hyperlinks and flashing banners. Twas then that I reluctantly subscribed to their “Email list” hawking further details of this upcoming “Revenge.” I used my sick, aging mothers email address that she trusted me with. I took this wise precaution in case they intended to hack my account or attempted to install malware onto my computer! Moments later, an electronic missive appeared in my inbox—not with seating charts or dinner menus, but with a strange poem. It was written in a tongue that I was all too familiar with. Permit me to share the hideous text as it appeared:
Kaeb Radawaldelir Gerseye ga
Aataw Kaifeebrakae e yuhktag yuhneespaa baeyaa,
O fleg! Fleg leeld!
Aazraw Shlookh galowael ma iton braekishee,
Zraanashaspkin! Zraanashaspkin!
Zokhminden e Tlaesing, aazraw groom staiwizle ga,
Aispaug aazraw woom Leeduhlz Haag staiwuhzle!
Zaathlish mauwinderimee basheln oodrausan au shlautleste awkan:
"Tlelma osendais leed igorkeet staideske, a aethlaeram fosh Radawalder Yuhneebawdhauls!"
Waa yawweelch ee autpit slaalz,
Slaashka ai ayool tlande uhkaetoth grae,
Yookelthhe ai otanfeloog thai gruhn Kaifeebrakael ga,
Otlai wawrgi — khogratlai — ee aataw staiwawrgid!
A ised, o autpit fashbawlm ai eeskaal,
Aataw shloo seeduhree ai khogratlai awael!
Uhkaetoth bashen kostai echesheloog Uhtdenhauls Maws-Milil,
A oonathal tichee spaad nilm lool slooln,
Buhlood aw elstaeth! Etzabookh yuhneebaw chee hla!
Hlai zraeram leed uhspuhmaukoo ee yeewaa ee beelaena,
Au awchaen aw daankoreed khaifta de?
O fleg e hlak, O skoorush railelde,
A uhkaetoth cheema telin Staiwuhzle Duhnkoreld Suhmilth
Shlautleste aesar Leeduhz wuhzle eezaathlish ga,
Aileek, aupit! Echaeg basheln oyawzratawn!
Autpit aeram yuhneegrae e brood au aplet,
Haefen baadilng! Chin e huhnad draukee!
Chaeg se tarthaur, chaeg e woodwaad,
Ai itling aw breeth fegraufakhee
Kothai malik ee raaftuhr aileen graeb slooln,
Yookelthhem slooln istis thai lawn duhnkoreld;
A aewawwoln o aewawwol oshlookhoo staidrooga gan
Setlik zrome skaupa otsenloog!
O booh baadee se shlookhoo e kuhraan ga,
aataw muhkhausau e kaatael ee bruhr nifee!
droogfik eldrichee se khaifai ga, skartuh,
Bashe ithleen odaroon slooln tlauspuh osendaroon aetafuhrene bashel!
tichee waab kawlih ee tichee khlaad slaalz—
yuhneewizle staiwawrgidee! staiwawrgidee au esaaf!
a ipeg ileed, a isken ileed, leed aukeed, leed osenflaukh,
yookelthhe e yuhneespaad, slaashka ese starekh!
laash e fleg, lais saiklopfikee,
daroon haudrithyuh slooln e thool taungee.
hlaas uhren aa sloon, droogfik fezaathee?
Leed odraet eedaaplith, a! Daaplith ga aeram... aispuhtlaakee!
Draugroor de ee hatheel boohee—
Luhfing! Igrak! Sta yoozee!
Aazraw draugroor ee waisklaangeed,
Itling e itzaud hatheelee chee plinthlaad!
Radawalder Gerseye ga, wetleste au eezabook oofruh khograthing,
hlaud aeram sloon dauthlish Riduhlzbroold aw tolhaus!
The linguistic structures betrayed the eerie pattern of Riddlesdiculous! I labored through the night to render its meaning into clear English, and what I uncovered is not to be treated lightly. Here is the translation:
Fate of the Jersey Devil
Through pinelands sprawled with dark decay,
O dread! my dread!
From Galloway's marsh at close of day,
Unfed! Unfed!
Scorn of Good, from the ancient gloom,
Born of old Granny Leeds's womb!
Her blasphemous curse, thrice uttered fell:
"If I bear another babe, let it be the Devil of Hell!"
Wings of the bat and a serpent's cry,
Talons that clutch where the shadows lie,
Hooves that clatter the pinelands floor,
Forever—whenever—and evermore!
Come O the shriek of the gibbous gale,
Through ceder swamps that ever wail!
Prowls o'er the path of Moss Mill Road,
Come with thine eyes of ember's light,
Blood in the night! Horned evil Fright!
Am I not lost and lone and frail,
Chained in this pine-beseechèd vale?
O horror of horn, O scourge of men,
Stalk thee near the Old Smithville Inn!
Thrice was the curse old Leeds had moaned,
And groaned, and groaned! Her child disowned!
Black is the cry of forsaken kin,
Child of sin! Black bearded chin!
Kid of the forest, Kid of despair,
Leaping the foul, unwholesome air!
On roof and rafter thy shadow leans,
Thy hoof resounds on the Village Green;
Wander, O wander the bogs profound,
No soul to sound!
O specter vile of the cranberry bogs,
Through cattail swamps and misty fogs!
Eldritch beast of Pines, riddled with scars,
Thy moniker they use to name their bars!
With raven's wing and with serpent's tongue—
Forever young! Forever sung!
Smite me, rend me, I bend, I kneel,
Hooves of darkness, claws of steel!
Lash of terror, cyclopean flame,
Thy timeless name of campy fame.
What hath become of ye accursèd beast?
I need a word, ah! the word is...fleeced!
All this dread and spectral show—
Forsooth! to know! Exploited so!
That out of terror and midnight fright,
A dinner-theater springs with delight!
The Jersey Devil, once feared by all,
Now Riddlesbrood's jest in a comic hall!
I ask you: does this sound like a simple theatrical jest? I contend it does not. The cadence, the invocation of revelry entwined with blood, the explicit naming of the Jersey Devil—this is no idle amusement, but rather a dabbling in occult madness! The location in the Pine Barrens, where this restaurant sits, is no coincidence. For centuries, the tale of the Jersey Devil has haunted the region: a winged beast, cloven-hoofed, shrieking in the night, said to have been born of the cursed Leeds family in the year 1735. The Transylvania Dutch swore it devoured livestock, mothers whispered it stole infants, and had terrible table manners. That such a myth should be resurrected on the eve of All Hallows, performed in revelry with food and drink, is more than coincidence. The word “revenge” in the title is particularly troubling. Revenge implies grievance, unfinished business, a wronged spirit seeking retribution. Who dares to rouse this creature in the heart of the Barrens? And who among the unsuspecting diners will pay the price for this theatrical folly?
A Scholar’s Duty to Warn
It is tempting to dismiss my words as superstition. Indeed, the rationalist might scoff and say, “It is but dinner theater! What danger can actors in greasepaint and costumes pose?” To such skeptics I say: one may laugh at ritual, but ritual does not laugh at you. Symbols carry weight, performance invokes unseen powers, and when a community gathers to chant, drink, and imagine, they may open doors better left closed.
I fear that Revenge of the Jersey Devil is no mere play. It is a rite. Some kind of Performative Evangelism! Therefore, I urge you, reader: do not go. Do not partake in this banquet of shadows. Spend your $55 elsewhere—on books (But NOT their Big Brochure). Leave the Marina and Riverdeck in peace on that October night. Let others risk themselves if they must, but you, at least, be warned.
